Wait…did you hear right? Yes. If you are ever going to be able to cope with depression (notice I said cope not heal…more on that later) is:
- Treatment of symptoms
- Treatment of environment
I will go more in depth on each subject in other blogs but know there is hope. I feel I was born with depression as my first memories are filled with a life being a person void of vitality.
I heard a Ted talk on depression and it said the opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality. That was my life. Interest in anything was beyond void. Interest in myself was so deficit that I HATED me.
Fast forward to my present age of 51, I only have my children to thank that I am still here. A misconception is the biggest act of selfishness is a mother who takes her own life. To be in the brain of that mother is to see how depression can misconstrue your truth.
I can resonate at my lowest feeling so disgusted with myself as a mother that I didn’t deserve to be here anymore more. No pill, peptalk, preist or even prayer could make me see that it would actually destroy my children instead of free them of a burden.
Maybe it was my prayers as sleep would come and hours later, still horribly depressed but able to see some reality and reach out for help.
I have been in a depressed episode for several months now and I got a wake up call day before last. My 28 year old son called, “Mom!” My boy said with much too much energy, is that energy or is that fear. I quickly sat down. “I was driving over St. Vincente Bridge and Mom…” He was saying my name too much…”I felt my tires lift off the road and then all I seen was side of the cars, side of the bridge over and over then I slammed against the center divider and it stopped me…” by then I was calling out his name, are you ok, visions were popping through my head of the huge bridge that stretches across the port of Long Beach to San Pedro and visions of the frigid water down below.
He sensed my panic and again I heard, “Mom, mom, I’m ok. Nothing happened to me. A cop was following me and had his lights on and right behind him was a big truck so they slowed the cars down behind me!”
A cop! A beautiful cop saved my boy! Tears were streaming down my face. For an instant I thought, what if, then I realized my children in my place if that would be me. This was a sign. I said a prayer of gratefulness and begged to keep this feeling with me always, I need this awful, horrid, scary feeling to stay with me because I may need to pull it out of my pocket again…